Why do I keep feeling like this?

[anonymous bean]

Hi! I have gone through a few small bouts of depression, undiagnosed, but when I felt completely helpless and crying all the time I pretty much figured it out. Well it took us 7 yrs to talk about having another baby. When I had my daughter who is now 8 I went through the baby Blues to the point that I called dh everyday in work to the point he had a family member come over and check on me multiple times. She was well taken care of by me, and she was THE easiest baby ever!!! But when she was tired and wimpered a little bit I'd start bawling my eyes out. Anyway....I got over that and she was great. Now we have a baby who will be 1 next week and all of a sudden wants to be on me ALL the time. I don't mind, but sometimes, like while typing this I just need 5 mins. Anyway, I was worried about going through the blues again, but Thank GOD I didn't. Well the past few days I have had a constant headache. The baby, the older one only wants to be on the computer and dh is working so much and gives me no help. He's good with them, but I ask for help HAHAHAHA Yeah Hello Wall! I get an answer like Yeah I'll do the dishes then while I wait and watch the dishes pile up to the point that I have to put them on the counter......yeah I break down and do them. They've only piled that high 2x. I've learned my lesson! So lately I feel like I could drive away. I said when my older daughter was little that "I never understood how a mother can leave her child" then after a few wks I would say:"I don't know how a mother stays"
How do I stay? Well I love my kids and dh when he's home at night. The 1 day he's home for the whole day for family time it usually turns ugly. HE wants to ORDER our daughter around to pick up her stuff. Even if all that's around are baby toys. He's stressed because of finances, but what do I do to get help around here and to get him not to be a a** on Sundays? I want to run away from home SO bad, I cry alot and get so short with my temper, but I hold most of that in, except for slamming the door so hard yesterday I scared both kids, I feel so helpless all over again and feel like I can't go through this again, I would run and never look back, but I like my kids and besides that the baby is still breastfeeding........
Any suggestions or input. Thanks for listening/reading

[pixiechic]

Honestly, it sounds to me like 1) you have PPD and may benefit from meds, holistic herbs and/or counseling and 2) it doesn't sound like your DH is very supportive. Is this a new thing? Has he always been that way? Have you tried talking with him much in a totally non-threatening way?

What you're saying is all too familiar to me and when you're in the middle of it, you truly don't recognize the symptoms. But when others see you or you look back (hindsight being 20/20 of course) you can see just how depressed/anxious you were.

I now take Super-B Complex with 5Htp and it seems to have worked wonders w/ my depression. (because I can't take Rx right now) That being said, I've also made some major MAJOR life changes that come into play as well.

I know EXACTLY what you're saying about wanting to just run. There have been many occasions where I thought OMG if only I could just head to Alaska, or Wyoming, or freaking ANYWHERE but here.

Do you have a support system? Family/friends/church? It may help for you to get out and focus on others as well - do things for other people. Amazing how that can help alleviate a major funk. Get plugged in with a support group, get some sun every day, eat well and exercise. All things that help w/ depression.

I hope things get better for you.

[Mrs.M]

My first suggestion is for YOU to get into your doctors office and tell them about your depresssion. Then ask for help findind a counsler asap. Once you get started on that (meds, therapy, whatever) you can work on your marriage and maybe couples counseling. It is HARD work to be a mommy but it is so worthwhile too.

You need to take care of yourself so that you can be the great mom you want to be. Maybe start taking every other Sunday and just get out without the family. Go out with a friend or catch a movie alone or a nice lunch. We ALL need that alone time to just decompress. It sounds like you are a sahm and if you are check out your local churches for mother's day out programs. they are usually pretty affordable and you can do like one day a week or month and just have some alone time.

We are always here to listen and feel free to pm me if you want. My dh is going through clinical depression right now and is just starting meds and counseling so I understand.

[shanmarie]

They both gave some wonderful advice. I hope you get the help you need. I had PDD after having my second son 2 yrs ago. It was hard but for me talking about my fears, ect helped me out. We are here for you so vent all ya want.

[anonymous bean]

Thanks! It's so nice to have such great people to talk to. I talked to my close "friends" when I was really depressed a few years ago and then we all lost touch, meaning they stayed away from me so I wouldn't ask them for anything I guess. I'm not really sure if it's really depression, but more of being a stay at home mom who needs to get out of the house. I do go out on Fridays for a couple of hours and meet up with a couple of friends. I don't think that does it though! Yes I pray for Fridays everyday. lol
DH and I had a really hard time, well I had a really hard time a few (maybe 4) yrs ago because although we've been together for 6 yrs at the time he was never really into the relationship and I was hurt by it. It was because he saw the way his male family members talked about women and he never put his all into any relationship. A couple of yrs ago he stopped talking to his family because his brother stole over $140,000 from him. They owned a house together and took out an equity that they would split. The money stayed in thier mom's bank under her name and when his brother told her to give him a check for the balance, which was dh's she gave in because "she was trying to get ready for work and needed him off her back" his family wanted him to turn his head and forget about it even though that put us in a hole with our mortgage and everything else. We got closer after that, Then almost a yr later he THOUGHT I cheated on him because of a couple of stupid text msgs I saved on my phone and he saw them, which turned out to be a good thing. He thought he was losing me and he snapped and turned into a more caring affectionate guy. He's a good guy who works hard, but as for in the house I'm on my own.... grrrrr
Thank you all so much. I will definately talk to somebody about all of this....well not the above but my feelings of running away!

[kellyk]

If you don't get out of the house much, search the web for a link to a local MOMs club. I joined the MOMs club when Emily was 9 months old, they do things throughout the week to get you and baby out of the house, plus you can join a playgroup, which is friendship for your baby and yourself. I met some wonderful moms and kids through the MOMs club.

[anonymous bean]

Thanks Kelly I am going to do just that right now!
I also had a couple long conversations with dh. He asked if I wanted to talk, he just listened. He told me how he's been feeling and it helped me big time since I was miserable yesterday. I felt like I just need help around here and he showed up just in time!

[terias]

I'm glad you were able to talk to him and I hope he is able and willing to continue to step up.