what do you make of this one

anonymous bean · #1 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 11:47 PM

Please read from the bottom up. The first paragraph is actually the last. This is a myspace conversation between me and my oldest child's "sperm donor" if you will. Let me just say that he was the one that stopped visiting and calling, I DID ask him to, but he never made another effort after I told him not to bother us. He was entirely too unreliable and stressful.

So, what should I do? Procede as if DH is the birth father and pretend the paternity test doesn't exist? The paternity test was not court ordered, it was voluntary and "sperm donor" paid for it. Even though he says he won't bother us (and he more than likely won't) I just don't know what to do.

Scroll to the bottom from here and read up. Thank you for any help!

I know my assurance may not mean anything, but make no mistake about it, ****** is *****'s Father. This may sound upsurd, but I wanted what was best for ***** as well. ***** doesn't need to have two fathers and he never will. I have had to say good bye to him once and now this makes twice. Please find it in your heart to not make me have to say it again. Don't take this as I don't understand what you are saying. I think what you have said makes perfect sense, but you have understand, how difficult it is to even think about this. I have my resolve for this situation and that is your beautiful family held together, with two wonderful parents. If I don't hear from you again. You will never hear from me again.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ****
Date: Oct 10, 2008 8:31 AM

Everything is okay, don't worry. I just thought it would be nice to talk over the phone instead of just a message.

Yeah, I am sorry how random it is. I just didn't know how to get ahold of you so I asked ***** and she said you had a myspace page.

Anyway, my husband would like to adopt *****. Even though you are not on the birth certificate, we do have the paternity test, so I just want to do it right from the beginning so there is nothing to worry about later.

So, I was wondering if I could send you some paperwork to sign over rights so that **** can adopt *****. **** has been there from the time ***** was born, so **** loves him very much and doesn't know anyone else as his father. Not only does **** love ***** as much as our other children, but he has from the very start and would like nothing better than to be his real father.

Another thing is that **** has my maiden name and he will be starting kindergarten next year. we live in rural *****, and you know how small towns are. I want **** to have the same name as the rest of us from the beginning so that he never feels weird. You know how mean other kids can be.

****'s life is no one else's business and I don't want him to be labeled because he and his siblings have different last names.

I hope you understand. My children are my entire life and I want nothing but happiness for them.

*****

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: *******
Date: Oct 9, 2008 9:41 PM

Please tell me what is going on and I will be more than happy to call. I hope everything is ok. I'm sure you know this is a bit random. I haven't heard from you in at least three years.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ***
Date: Aug 22, 2008 1:29 PM

I would really like you to call me as soon as you can. I don't have your address or phone number. I have some stuff I need to go over with you for the benefit of ****. I would really really appreciate it. My number is ***-***-**** or you can call ***-***-****. Please please call me.

***

September · #2 (**permalink**) 10-11-2008, 08:45 AM

First, personally I never would have discussed something like that over myspace. If not possible to have a face to face conversation I would have called him.

As far as the actual situation goes get a lawyer and take him to court. That's all you can do. In order for you DH to start the adoption process the child's father will need to be found and paternity established. Since you have already done that you're halfway there. Tell this guy that it's not "saying goodbye" again it's just making the decisions that both of you made legal. Sorry to say but his "assurance" means nothing in this world unless there is a legal document to back it up.

As far as the last name situation goes...check in your clerk of court and find out what the regulations are for a last name change. You may be able to change your child's last name without your child being legally adopted by your DH.

anonymous bean · #3 (**permalink**) 10-11-2008, 10:05 AM

September, In case you didn't read the entire thing, I DO NOT KNOW how to get a hold of him. I do not have access to his myspace, I only sent a message. I do not have his phone number, I do not have his address. We live in 2 entirely different states and I don't know anything other than his name.

Please don't scold me as I have used up all my resources and I assure you, myspace was my last option.

Tiggergirl0325 · #4 (**permalink**) 10-11-2008, 10:57 AM

I would message him again and ask for his phone number. I agree that it's best to discuss it over the phone, if you can't meet in person. It sounds like he is amicable. Maybe if you let him know that you understand his position, but that this is what you need to make sure " your beautiful family [is] held together", he'll see your side.

If he still is holding out, then I think that there is no other option than to take it to court. I definitely wouldn't ignore the paternity test, because it does exist and if you pretend it doesn't it could bite you in the butt later if the bio dad changes his mind about staying out of your child's life. I'm sure if you let him know that that, if push comes to shove, you'll go to court, he's not going to want to drag himself through all that and may be willing to concede. But I wouldn't go in with guns blazing just yet. He seems to be on the fence and if you could work on it a little bit longer you may be able to convince him.

That's why I think it's really important to get his number somehow. It's a lot easier for him to be detached when he's writing on the computer. If he hears you pleading over the phone, he may be persuaded to do what's best for everyone.

shanmarie · #5 (**permalink**) 10-11-2008, 12:40 PM

I would have to agree with Lisa. I hope you can figure something out for the best interest in ALL parties involved.

Mrs.M · #6 (**permalink**) 10-12-2008, 12:22 AM

I agree with the others. If you proceed as if the test doesn't exist and one day he wakes up with daddy fever and decides he wants to know his son, you are in BIG trouble! I don't know how well (if it was a relationship or a one night stand or what) you know this guy, but there are services where you can pay a small fee (I paid $35 and only had my bio father's name and last known state of residence, which was from 18 years earlier, and was able to get his address, phone number, place of employment and all!) So, if he won't willing give you contact information, there are ways to get it.

You can also go to a judge and tell him the truth. This guy doesn't want custody, you don't know where his is and the only means you have to contact him was via a message on myspace and that he hasn't seen your child in X years. Then, at least in TN. the judge can order that you place ads in the paper giving him X amount of time to come forward and if he doesn't, allow your dh to adopt. Bottom line is you need to seek the advice of an attorney. I don't know your situation, but legal aide is available if you can't afford one!
Good luck and btw, I think it's great your dh has taken this child as his own!!!