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04-02-2008, 07:36 AM
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I found my son!
None of you know this, but I have 2 sons. You all know about 1 but I never talk about my first son. Why? Because I haven't seen him for 11 years. Most of the people where I live didn't know about him either. It was just too hard to talk about him and then they'd always ask questions and so when dh and I moved here I just stopped telling people about him. I'd push down thoughts of him all day and then cry myself to sleep at night. I am posting anonymous b/c i think I am in for a legal battle and I don't want anything on me, if that makes sense.
Here is the story (as short as I can make it) When I was 18 I got pg. and had a son.I almost died having my son. A blood vessel ruptured and i came very close to bleeding to death. I was in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks after his birth. My ds dad and I weren't married but did later get married when ds was around a year old. Ex-dh's mom is a controlling manipultar and she hated me. Around the time my ds was 2 1/2 I met my father for the first time. He lived in a neighboring state and asked me to move there so that we could get to know each other better and that he'd help us get a house, etc. At the time ex and I were living with his mom and hated it AND I wanted to get to know my father so we took him up on the offer. Things seemed great at first. Then my biological father hit on me. Hit on me as in, no denying he was trying to sleep with me. I went a little crazy to be honest. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and just kinda lost it. When I was finally brave enough to tell ex what was going on and why I didn't want to see my father again, he didn't believe me! Let me also say my father is very wealthy and ex loved that. A lot went on and I finally packed up my son and left. I had been a stay at home mom and I got a job as a waitress. I didn't make a lot of money and ex was an engineer and he did pretty good. Well, to be honest, I just ran out of money. Ex keep fighting me in court and I couldn't afford the lawyer anymore. I could barely feed my son. I applied for food stamps and got $50 a month. My lawyer was trying to get me child support but ex never paid a dime and the judge wouldn't garnish his wages for it until the custody was settled, even though I had legal temp. custody. I was young and stupid. I didn't know about legal aide or any other programs to help me and nobody told me. I had no food in the house, had lost my job b/c I couldn't afford a sitter and couldn't pay my lawyer. After about a year and a half of fighting, I was depleted, mentally and financially. I agreed to give my ex custody even though he had moved back to the state we came from. I was to get all summer, and be able to visit on any weekend I wanted and get Christmas break etc. according to the school calender. I called everyday, wrote letters etc. I went to visit (was able to get a job) twice in the coming months and had saved money and had a sitter lined up for when my ds came in the summer. I went to get him and they weren't there. A 10 hr. drive and they weren't home. I hung around for a week and they never came home. I called my lawyer and she said I'd have to get a new lawyer in that other state. When I finally got hold of ex he said they'd gone on vacation. I said I'll come get him now. There was 2 weeks left to summer. He said no, if I came they'd be gone. To shorten this, that is how it went several of my visit times. Then one day I called and the phone was disconnected. I am ashamed to admit, I gave up. I started to drink. A few years passed and I finally cleaned up my act, quit drinking. I looked for my son and was told by a few old friends they had moved. I couldn't find anything out and still didn't have the money for a lawyer or PI. Well, my son is now 15 and I found him on myspace. He is very forgiving and we've been "talking" everyday on myspace. We've talked on the phone. He wants to see me and I want to see him. I want to go for the weekend in 2 weeks. He wants to come spend part of the summer with me. The problem is his dad is still saying no. Now, I have to get a lawyer and fight again. Luckily, I am in a better place and will NOT give up this time. Ex is telling ds that I never tried to see him and i'm evil. I am not evil. Ds says he wants to find out for himself. And luckily, he has memories of me and they are all good ones. I guess I'm posting to get it out. I've told all my friends the whole story and they are very supportive. What i'm wondering is if the old agreement we had with me getting visitation is still valid. I have a phone consultation with a lawyer in that state today and hopefully they can find out. What do YOU ladies think my chances of getting visitation are? 
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04-02-2008, 08:06 AM
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I am so happy for you. What a wonderful feeling that must be. I don't know much about custoy agreements, I can see it going either way, you made a hugh effort, and it seems like ex dh tried to keep your son from you, by never being home when you went to visit. But you did give up, because of the financial and emotional drain, but your ds wants contact, and I think the courts takes the child's wishes into strong consideration. Good luck to you, I hope things work out in your favor.
 :crossfingers:
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04-02-2008, 08:15 AM
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I have absolutely no idea of the legality of this sort of situation, but I would think that if you can find some way to prove that he prevented you from seeing your son on multiple occasions, you have a good chance of getting some sort of visitation--especially since your son is a teenager and can tell the courts that he wants to see you. The old agreement may not still be valid, but you should be able to get something set up, I would think.
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04-02-2008, 08:57 AM
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wow, that is quite a rough time you went through. I agree that you may have to "prove" that you did try to see him and that the ex was keeping him from you, but there should be a good chance that you can see him now as he is a teenager and would have a say in court. Good luck to you, I hope that it turns out for you and him.
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04-02-2008, 09:09 AM
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I bet you anything that you will be able to see him. You hear all the time about people giving up their children (willingly) and then changing their minds, fighting it in court, and winning. Since you didn't do it willingly, that surely counts for something. I don't think you'd ever be able to get FULL custody, but I think you'll definitely get visitation rights if nothing else.
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04-02-2008, 10:51 AM
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I have no idea. You might want to look and see how that state classifies abandonment, because if it's over x number of years that may over ride a custody agreement. I think the big thing is he is 15 and can say he wants to see you.
Good luck to you! Let us know what happens!
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04-02-2008, 12:28 PM
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This is so good for you...I know about custody agreements all too well. Your son is 15....he is actually old enough to choose for himself who he wants to live with or split custody, past the age of 12 they have the right to decide...sometimes 11 if they are close. Your ex will try and say you abandoned your child...legally and technically you did because you gave up...I know the reasons why but the courts don't care...this same situation happened with my husband and he was only gone a little over a year and paying child support...YIKES!!!So he will say all kinds of mean and hurtful things but just stay calm and don't loose your cool, because your son can choose for himself now...congrats!!!
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04-02-2008, 12:30 PM
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I don't know anything about custody, but I think it's really great all the things you have been able to overcome & finally be able to track down your son. I hope that you will be able to see him!
I will be praying about you & your situation!
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04-03-2008, 09:29 AM
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I feel so sad for all you went through. I totally agree with Holly, I think at 15 it won't matter what your ex has to say about it, your son can speak for himself and if he says he wants to see you then I doubt the courts would say no. Good luck and God Bless.
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04-12-2008, 03:49 PM
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depending on the sate depends on the age the child can say *~and get it done...~* what they want...most states it's 12...but I know for Minnesota it's 14...
all states let the kid have say by the age of 16 for sure...depending on how close to 16 your son is would depend on if they'd listen to him for sure or not... and maybe some of them old friends can help you prove that you tried to see your son but your ex wasn;t home when you came to get him and then moved not notifying you...which depending if you had spilt custody your ex would;ve by law had to report to you when he moved or even left the sate he was residing in with your son I hope everything works out for you!!!
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04-13-2008, 08:41 AM
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Is there an update? Have you met yet?
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04-14-2008, 12:09 AM
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 My son and I have been emailing everyday and have talked on the phone a few times. I had to really go through it with his dad but he has finally agreed to let me go see him in 2 weeks for the weekend. He is insisting that his sister, my son's aunt, be with us at all times and I have to have him back each night by 10pm. It is a 10 hour drive so I won't get much time with my son. We'll get there Friday afternoon and have to leave Sunday afternoon. But it's a start and I'm thrilled. I have an appointment for a phone consultation with a lawyer in that state tomorrow at 9am to see what I can do from there. My son knows about it and is all for it. He's upset that his dad won't let us have more time together and that we won't have any alone time. He wants to come spend a month with me this summer and his dad is saying no. We'll see what the lawyer says. I'll update again. By the way, thank you all for your support. I thought I'd get a lot of negativity with this post and you girls have been great!
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04-14-2008, 12:21 AM
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I hope your meeting goes well.
I'm so happy you have found your son.
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