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04-01-2008, 09:44 AM
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I really need some advice
My oldest kid is not my DH's. DH has been with me since I was 4 months pregnant with Kid #1. Kid #1 is 4 years old. DH became "DH" later but we were dating and he was there for everything with Kid #1.
Well, sperm donor kind of in Kid #1's life for a little less than a year. He had a paternity test to prove that Kid #1 was in fact fathered by him (I made him pay for it). Sperm donor paid me $400 a month for almost a year all under the table, no court involved. Sperm donor was incredibly unreliable. He did give us the $400 every month, no problem with that, but he rarely came to see Kid #1 and when he did, it was only for an hour or so, this had nothing to do with me and DH. We told him that he could see Kid #1 anytime he wanted and when Kid #1 got older, we would have let him take him for a little while if he could prove that he was reliable and trustworthy. Sometimes Sperm donor would say he was coming and then not come, or tell us he would be here one day only to call the same day and cancel. It was becoming a hassle and Kid #1 had no idea who Sperm donor was. I finally told Sperm Donor to just quit coming around. I told him to keep his $400 and just not come back. He listened. He knew where I lived, he knew my phone number, we have mutual friends so he could have contacted us at any time. He never has. This was about 3 years ago, a little more. All I can think is that if he truly cared about my kid, then he never would have just up and left when I told him to. So, now DH wants to adopt Kid#1. He has always wanted to adopt him, we have just never been financially able to, and it wasn't a real big deal, but now that Kid #1 is getting ready for school and things, we want him to have the same last name as the rest of us. Kid #1 has MY last name, Sperm Donor is NOT on the birth certificate, though we do have a paternity test proving that he is the "father". Has anyone had to deal with an adoption process like this? I don't know how to go about getting it taken care of. I don't know if I need to contact Sperm Donor and see if he would sign over rights. I don't know if Sperm Donor even has any rights. Advice please. I am contacting an attorney, but I also want some "real" advice from someone that has been there, if there are any of you that have been there. 
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04-01-2008, 09:49 AM
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I don't have one bit of advice for you as I'm totally unfamiliar with situations such as this. I just want to say
 and I hope it all goes well for you! 
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04-01-2008, 09:57 AM
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I don't have any experience with it either but I would think if SD wasn't listed on the Birth Certificate and since your son has your last name that it wouldn't be hard to just have your DH adopt without any issues. Best of luck hon!
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04-01-2008, 10:03 AM
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I do believe that all state laws are probably different regarding this matter. I have a friend that is going through almost the same situation. When they go to have her dd's name changed, the courts will run a thing in our local newspaper in the legal section. (Sorry I don't know all the proper terms for everything, I am just going by what she told me.) The writeup in the paper will give anyone the chance to object to the adoption/namechange. My friend is not to overly concerned that he ex will do anything, in fact probably will not even read that part of the newspaper.
In a different situation my cousin has a little girl, and just recently found out that the father could fight her for full custody because they have the paternity test to prove he is the father. Although he is not on the bc, he has the proof that he is the father and that is all he needs. Luckily though right now she is not having issues with him so hopefully that will stay the same. Okay, so I know what I said probably isn't much help, but I just wanted to tell you what I know on the matter. I would just talk to your lawyer regarding everything, and he will inform you of your rights and sperm donors rights. Good Luck with everything, I sure it will all work out for you in the end.
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04-01-2008, 10:05 AM
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I think the biological father would have to legally agree to the adoption and give up any "rights" he had. Someone on another board went through this and even though the parent hadn't been in the child's life in years and years, they still had to inform the parents and go through legally giving that child up so the adoption could take place.
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04-01-2008, 10:11 AM
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God, I have plenty of experience in this!!! It depends on the state that you live in. I know that here in Georgia, if you are unmarried at the time the child was conceived (to the child's father lol) the father has NO legal right. The father has to have the child legitimized (in court) so the he can have rights to the child, and so the child can get benefits from the father if the father dies. Even if the father is on the birth certificate... the child still has to be legtimized. Otherwise, he still has no rights.
You should google it, honestly, family law regarding legitimization in whatever state you are in. I've been through this and back with my sons father. It's a hell of a lot harder than you think, but honestly, he had no rights until he had our son legitimized. If he pushes it, though, he could drag it through court for years. Now, if you can prove that your DH and you have been the one supporting your son, through receipts, and health records, if you've had insurance on him, etc.. show family pictures, show proof that the father has NOT been in the child's life it will be alot easier, the judge could decide to terminate parental rights (if your state isn't like Ga's) on the grounds of abandonment. Good luck!
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04-01-2008, 10:43 AM
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I have not been there, but my sister has. She has 3 kids, the 2 oldest are by a "sperm donor" as you called it.
 She lives in Missouri. She had to locate their biological father and have him sign over rights in order for her husband to adopt her kids. He had been out of their lives for about 3-4 years. The difference is, he WAS on the birth certificates. I am not sure if that will matter in your case or not. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. BTW, give your DH a pat on the back from me, not very many men would claim kids like that. Awesome.
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04-01-2008, 11:03 AM
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I don't currently have any experience with this, but we may in the future if Béla chooses to adopt the girls.
First I believe the biological father has to give up his rights, after that it depends on the laws in your area. I would see if you can have a free consultation with a lawyer that specializes in family law. Good luck!
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04-01-2008, 11:12 AM
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Yes I do have experience with this, if he has his last name then you need to contact him, but if he is not on the birth certificate than you are fine and since it is your last name it is fine...the only thing I have to say is, you probably shouldn't be tellin him not to come around and keep his money, my husbands ex told him not to come around anymore and wanted him to sign over his parental rights just so she could have her boyfriend in the house and not get in trouble...when you tell someone to not come around and that their kid does not know who they are then that is what happens, I understand he was worthless, but now if he takes you to court...scumbags will too, he can say you told him to not be involved and he was respecting your wishes, and the sad thing is, people like that get away with it, it's good you are contacting an attorney...but tell him everything you said...my husbands ex is a cop and she got in trouble for saying that and other stuff
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04-01-2008, 03:22 PM
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I think as everyone said it really varies by state & you can usually get more information from your local courthouse. You can google for a website. If they don't have the info online they should hopefully at least tell you where the information is available. Good luck to you! I'm sure it will work out since you have been w/your Dh since before baby was born.
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04-01-2008, 04:20 PM
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In California if you can prove abandonment then the court terminates the rights and the stepparent can adopt. However, if I remember correctly, you have to let the biological parent (in our case its the biomom) know that you are petitioning to have their rights terminated. I think every state is quite a bit different...and even "some contact" could be decided to be seen as abandonment per our attorney if it wasn't consistant or meaningful...it has been quite a few years though since we looked into it though so the details are a bit fuzzy...
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04-18-2008, 11:57 PM
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wish I had some advice for you but I don't have any experience with this kind of situation.
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04-19-2008, 08:27 AM
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Any update?
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