My heart is yearning..

MelBaby · #1 (**permalink**) 10-05-2008, 12:45 PM

Ok.. I guess I need to start from the beginning. I have been TTC since a miscarriage in May 07'. When I lost that baby, I cannot even begin to explain how empty I felt. I lost it very early.. only a month and a half into it.. but it was just long enough for me to knit together all of my hopes and dreams that I had layed out for that baby. In one instant all of it was dashed. I kept thinking, "Maybe there is hope, the doctor could be wrong." I kept making excuses because I didn't want to believe what she was telling me. The doctor told me that within the next few months to be careful because I could get pregnant quite easily..of course I didn't listen. (I was too eager to fill the empty void that I felt) and yet, nothing happened.....

So here I am a year and some odd months later.. and still.. nothing. I have endured a deployment and the deaths of 3 friends in the last year. Wow its been rough. I got out of the Marine Corps, the end of last year.. and my husband is currently still active duty.. Oh and let me tell you WHAT, the babies and pregnant women are EVERYWHEREEEEEEE! They are coming out of the wood works.. why is it that you see them when you don't want to see them? Ugh

My friends have all been having babies, just popping them out as if it's nothing. Half of them not even intentionally, started out as and "oops." I have become the number one babysitter and I can't figure out whether this makes me feel better or utterly horrible. I love spending time with the kids... and I have sooo much fun. But when they leave, most of the time I sit there and feel sorry for myself.. and ok I'll admit it.. I CRY. I just sit there sobbing, asking myself what is wrong with my body. Stupid ovaries..dang uterus...WORK! Having a child would be the most wonderful moments in my life and I cannot even express the pain I feel when thinking about the possibilities of something beign wrong. My husband gets confused sometimes and just asks me why it hasn't happened and it is just so hard because I don't have the answer to that question. It is one of those things that only God really has the answer to and I am just going to have to leave it in his hands.

I went to Planned Parenthood awhile back and I told the nurse that I was trying to conceive and that I've been having problems getting pregnant. Do you know what she said? "Some people wish they had that problem." and then she LAUGHED. Can u believe that? Here I am sitting there with my eyes filling up with tears about my husbands and my desire to have a child.. and she turns it into a joke.. I didn't know my reproductive issues were funny, I guess we all learn something new at times. UGH. People are gay. Needless to say that was my LAST trip to Planned Parenthood.

I finally got my card and all of my stuff for TriCare. So as soon as I get my letter telling me who my new general doctor is going to be.. I'm going to make an apointment with a Gyn. Sounds like a plan.. oh yaaa. In the mean time I think I'll start taking prenatals again..cotinue to lay horizontal for at least 10 minutes after the baby dance... and chart my cycle... fun fun.

P.S. I quit smoking a little over a month ago.. yay. I am so proud of myself.. and hoping that this helps us a little bit more to conceive.

CrazyInLove0413 · #2 (**permalink**) 10-05-2008, 01:56 PM

I wish you all the luck in the world. I am so sorry you had to deal with Planned Parenthood!

That is just so ridiculosu!

I hope you don't have to TTC long before you have a healthy and long 9 months!

I so know how you feel... and it sucks.. so if you want to talk... just pm me.

unctoothlady · #3 (**permalink**) 10-05-2008, 01:58 PM

Such an insensitive remark! I am sorry you had to experience that. Keep your head up. It will happen for us!

InnerKnitter · #4 (**permalink**) 10-05-2008, 11:51 PM

good luck

to you!

I'm so sorry for her insensitive joke. I guess they just aren't used to people coming into Planned Parenthood because they want to become parents.

and yay for you for taking care of yourself. Quitting smoking is a huge victory! Welcome to My Little Bean as well. You'll find great support, friendship, advice, and comfort here.

MelBaby · #5 (**permalink**) 10-05-2008, 11:59 PM

Thank you so much all 3 of you and your kind and sensitive remarks.. They made me feel just a little bit better. (sometimes that's all it takes)

and InnerKnitter.. I guess you are right.. Im sure planned parenthood is used to more people coming in to avoid or get rid of pregnancy.. rather than trying to achieve it. It's still upsetting though. You'd think that they would be able to be more professional. Guess Not.

MelBaby · #6 (**permalink**) 10-06-2008, 03:01 AM

I keep counting down the days until AF comes and althought my breasts hurt, I don't think this is our magic month. My hormones seem all out of wack and I keep crying for various reasons. I want to be a mother so badly and sometimes I stop and wonder if it will ever happen. what good am I to my husband if I cannot bear children? I wish I could tell him how much this is tearing me apart but I guess I am trying to act more positive than I feel. We argued about me watching Kaleigh (my friend Jessica's baby) the other day because she was a tad bit sick and we had things to do, so he said she couldn't come. He said if it was ur own kid it would be different but shes not. Inside my head I was just screaming.. I just kept thinking.. "So what if she isn't ours. Did you ever stop to think that me being with her somehow fills this void that Im feeling? That maybe me watching Kaleigh for Jessica will possibly be the closest thing I ever have to being a mother!? What if it never happens for us!?." These are the thing I cannt say. Not because I think he'd think less of me but because I'd feel pathetic.. and I don't want his pity. I want him to keep the faith that I lost so long ago. I just feel empty.. My mom is always perfect for chiming in with the, "Did you make a baby today?" God, I hate that. It makes me want to yell. "No mom! Most likely we didn't! I thought you woud've realized after the last mc that my body is corrupt, it hates me and wants to see me suffer." Welcome to my world people..and at this point i cant help but feel pessimistic. I'm sure most of you will understand..and thanks for letting me rant.

This is what I am hoping for

Then I would be like this --->

hahaha

georgeadl · #7 (**permalink**) 10-06-2008, 06:15 AM

I so know what you are going through. I had a miscarriage in February of 2008. You are echoing my feelings. All I can tell you is to take one day at a time. That's the only way I've made it through.

MelBaby · #8 (**permalink**) 10-06-2008, 11:44 AM

Thanks Georgeadl... Its nice to have some people around that actually know how I feel.

MelBaby · #9 (**permalink**) 10-06-2008, 05:21 PM

Ok so if the hag shows it'll be between the 11th or 13th. (My cycles ranges between 26-28 days) Who else has a cycle that alternates around? Anyone?

I don't like it at all.. but i am

and hoping for the best. But i dunno something just tells me this isn't the month.. but I guess you never know....

MiaMosquita · #10 (**permalink**) 10-07-2008, 02:03 AM

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope ugly AF doesn't show her face this month. :(

babhacnam · #11 (**permalink**) 10-07-2008, 08:58 AM

Keep hope alive. It's not over until AF shows her ugly head. That is horrible the way Planned Parenthood treated you.

My cycle also fluctuates a little. Went to the gyno and he said that a small fluctuation like that is normal.

I wish you the best, and I hope you don't have to wait to much longer. I know exactly how you feel about being surrounded by other pregnant people. Its really hard sometimes.

MelBaby · #12 (**permalink**) 10-07-2008, 04:34 PM

Thanks for all of the support everyone... it really does mean alot.

It really is a blessing to have stumbled across a group of people that actually understand the things I am talking about

MelBaby · #13 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 12:19 PM

Ok so I dreamt last night that I had this pet rabbit. I am pretty sure she was black and white in color..and she was giving birth. haha. In my dream she gave birth to 2 little bunnies.. and I was sitting there thinking.. there has gotta be more than two in there. haha. SO does anyone know what that dream means??? Then I woke up with my breasts hurting something awful.

My husband came home last night!!

I was and still am so extremely happy... He has been out in the field for training for the last few weeks and was lucky enough to stop in a few times to handle some business. ( we also got some moments to squeeze some bd'ing in there, so theres hope

)

HAHAHAHA

Still praying that there will be NO AF.

geisslerfamily · #14 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 12:30 PM

I have no idea how to interpret dreams. But I do have a lot of weird dreams during ovulation and the two week wait!

Good luck! I really hope that AF stays away!

What part of your cycle are you on right now?

MelBaby · #15 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 01:21 PM

Thanks!

Well my cycle alternates a few days every month or so. It ranges between a 26-28 day cycle. The 11th (saturday) will be the day for AF to show if its a 26 day cycle this month. So we will see.... Im keeping my fingers crossed for now..

geisslerfamily · #16 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 01:41 PM

Well good luck, I really hope that Saturday brings you a BFP!

If it were me I would have already gone through an entire case of HPTs, because I am a POAS-aholic starting at 7 days past O

MelBaby · #17 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 05:21 PM

Ya I have been really bad about that in the past.. but I have been trying to calm down because it ends up costing a lot of money hahahaha...
Its a hard habit to break but I think I am doing good so far. ha!

InnerKnitter · #18 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 07:03 PM

cheap internet tests... especially the dipstrips... they sell them here on MLB sometimes and you could also try B A B Y C R E A T I O N (that's where I got mine since the MLB store wasn't open.)

from another POAS aholic

MelBaby · #19 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 07:31 PM

Oh okay thanks!
I used to order tests off of earlypregnancytests.com and alot of them too!
But then I heard a bunch of bad things about them.. like the tests were fake.. and all that stuff. I guess just since then I haven't chosen to take the leap again to buy them online. I didn't want to spend money on tests and then have them all be fakes. haha.

MelBaby · #20 (**permalink**) 10-09-2008, 10:12 PM

Ok so I glanced down at my chest a little while ago and I notice that I have a few pimples on my chest, seriously what the heck!!! I have never ever ever broken out on my chest. So I am highly confused..

Maybe its a pos preg sign?

Or maybe not...

Has anyone had an experience with this?????