you knit me together in my mother's womb

[InnerKnitter]

I'm not the best journal writer, and by best I mean consistent, but these are the days when all I can think about is motherhood, babies, cycle days, and well-timed baby dancing. I'd rather not isolate all of those who actually have other things on their mind, including DH, with all my endless thoughts, worries, hopes, and calculations regarding fertility, so hopefully this journal will offer a choice to those who wish to share these moments in all their glorious basal body detail.

warning: these could be long :-)

I've been married 2 years. In the months leading up to the wedding, DH and I did all the conversing necessary to figure out our financial philosophies, chore delegation, and family planning. We both wanted a mess of kids. The running joke is that he wanted 12 and I managed to talk him down to 11- his own soccer team. However, we married young. I was a month shy of 23. We were moving across the country, and both starting new jobs. We weren't quite ready to accommodate a new baby so I started on the pill a month before we got married. It was weird, I was raised Catholic, sort of, DH and I had been dating since we were 16, and taking that first pill was quite the milestone in my life. Well, the pill and I didn't get along too well after that. AF had irregular visits, I was irritable, and gained weight, quickly. After 3 months I stopped with the pill and switched over to temperature taking and mucus observing.

It was definitely the choice for me. DH and I used natural family planning, NFP, to actively avoid a pregnancy for 2 months, then we decided we would accept what the Lord brought to us and had no serious reason to avoid a pregnancy any longer. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying either. After about 3 or 4 months of this, I found myself wishing I was pregnant at the end of each cycle. DH and I talked about it and decided to start actually trying. That was in December of 2006.

After 3 or 4 months of good timing and no signs of pregnancy, I started to feel in my gut that something wasn't right. At my yearly physical, my doctor looked at my charts, noted that my luteal phase was a bit short, and encouraged me to regularly take my vitamins and iron pills (i have a minor iron deficiency, always have). She said to keep trying and not to get worried until a year had gone by. So DH and I kept trying, and I kept getting my period, and I kept feeling like we would need some help, divine or medical or both, to have a baby. It was a pretty tough year because I would do all kinds of research trying to determine if it was me or DH (he had an undescended teste that was repaired in adolescences, I had my shorter luteal phase). I read a ton of statistics that just kept saying we weren't average, and we just kept waiting until December of 2007.

When December came, I made another appointment with our doctor who looked at the charts, saw that my cycle had evened out, and suggested DH get tested. And that put us on the road that we are on today: trying to conceive and continuing to rely on the knowledge of medicine and the wisdom of God to grow our family.

I'll add more later since this post is already getting quite long

[InnerKnitter]

Ok So I'm going to try this again. I had tried to update but, as is typical, typed too long and timed out my login and the whole thing got lost.

On Monday we went to see the fertility specialist our primary care doctor suggested. Friends of ours had also been to this same doctor and had great things to say about her, so it helped that we had a little background information.

DH's SA came back with some minor abnormalities that resulted in slow sperm that don't swim straight. There is a possibility of a blockage and nothing they can do about it. Combining the two means its really hard for the sperm to reach the eggs. The doctor looked at his reports and asked me a bunch of charting questions and then just took off.

In a matter of 30 minutes of being there, she had listed off 4 tests, 3 for me and one for DH that could be done this cycle, plus we could try IUI in about 2 weeks if I used an OPK to get an accurate idea of ovulation. Our heads were spinning. She was super nice and I think she knows people who come to her really want to have children and want to do everything they can right away. However, we are so new to all of this and the idea of just doing it all right away was a bit overwhelming. We have several travel plans this summer that would complicate the timing of BD and IUI attempts, plus all our family lives on the opposite side of the country so it would be nice to be able to fly home and visit them at Christmas one last time before we have a baby with us.

We decided to do the one test while we were there. They did an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries which was super cool. I had never seen them before. She even showed me the maturing follicles and the one that had collapsed after ovulation. Thankfully everything is normal and in the right place, a huge relief.

DH and I talked later that night and I think for now we will wait til the end of the summer to really pursue the IUI treatments. Well do the tests over the summer and save some money (insurance covers nothing) and then maybe in September start the IUI's. Until then, we're just going to keep trying through BDing and OPK's to see if I've been charting right.

Its so nice to have a plan and some peace about what will happen next. It would be great to conceive without the IUI's but the past says that's not likely. It will also be great to try the IUI and know that if it works that we'll know what to do for #2 when the time comes. After so many months of worry and despair, its such a relief to finally feel peace over what will happen the next 6 months. I really look forward to whatever will come.

[InnerKnitter]

The HSG was normal! now I just have the pooled progesterone left which I'll do towards the end of this cycle or next month. DH has one more analysis to do as well.

[cimechang]

Good luck!!!

[InnerKnitter]

The waiting game continues. We decided to put off treatment until the fall since we're going to be out of town so much this summer. The cruise was great (so great in fact that AF decided to show up to right on Day 1 of the cruise). I came back happy and relaxed, which was especially good because things have been insane at work. This month I was going to use OPK's to determine ovulation and then go for 3 blood draws for the pooled progesterone. Something didn't quite work out though because I never got a positive test, but my temperature still went up around CD 20. Perhaps the cruise threw my cycle off a bit.

I also found out that a friend at church is also dealing with TTC and our situations are pretty similar. It was so good to talk with her and to support each other. Last year was the baby boom at church, 6 babies in 3 months I think. It was a little hard. I'll just wait again, try the OPK's again (thanks September for the advice on twice daily testing) and see if I can do the bloodwork in August when we aren't on vacation.

I had a dream last year in August where a fortune telling monkey (I dunno, I can't control my dreams) told me I'd have a baby in October. I thought for sure that meant I'd find out I was pregnant in October of 07, but no such luck. Then I thought maybe I'd deliver in October of 08, no chance of that. Now I wonder if its I'll conceive in October of 08.... or maybe I should stop listening to dream world fortune telling monkeys :-)

[InnerKnitter]

OPK Success!!!

So I think I figured out what was wrong last month. I only waited 3 minutes to read the results, the minimum amount of time. The test actually takes 10 minutes to run to confirm a negative. I was testing at work though and didn't want to hang out in the bathroom for 10 minutes. Also, very few people at work know about the whole ttc thing so I didn't want to have to talk about it or explain things.

Jamie gave me some great advice about testing more often and a link to some super cheap tests. I actually took them on vacation with me when we went to the shore with DH's family. They know everything so I didn't feel like I was hiding anything. Anyway, wouldn't you know I got a positive result in the Atlanta airport during a layover. As soon as I got home I called my doctor and now I'm scheduled for the last test. 3 simple blood draws. I'm so happy, I'm not afraid of needles so this will be a cake walk test. Then, if this month isn't the month (we did BD when we got home) we will likely move forward with IUI.

Sometimes I pray. I'm praying especially hard right now because I have hope again. So much of this process has been survival of ever changing emotions, awkward and uncomfortable tests, writing checks, peeing on sticks, and balancing who to tell, what to tell and when to tell. But I have hope again, things are about to happen. I'm asking God for this timeline because it would be so wonderful. If you pray, would you pray for me that this would happen? I would like to get pregnant this month (today is CD 16) or next month. When I go home in October for a wedding DH and I could tell our families in person. I would still be able to fly back again for Christmas (show off a little baby bump maybe) and then the baby would be born in May or June. My youngest sister in law would just be finishing her first year of college. There is a pattern in my family of a sister coming to stay for a couple of weeks with the new mom to help out. She's interested and it would be great to have her here (plus she's super excited about being an aunt). Then maybe we would fly back in August with our 2 month old for the annual family vacation and the baby could meet the whole family. It seems so dreamy right now, but the mere fact that I think it could be perfect also makes me doubt that it will happen that way.

Still I believe in a God who loves me and wants to bless me. My struggles with IF so far have actually brought me closer to family, my DH, and some wonderfully supportive friends. I have cried tears of despair and desire deeper than I thought my heart could feel. I have learned that I can not do everything on my own. Even though I look back and can say, this has in some part been good, I also look back and say this has been hard, this has reached deeper into who I am than anything else ever has.

So I wait, desperately not wanting to become a POAS aholic but with cheap tests I may lose that will power game. I also pray both for the dream timeline and for the willingness to accept a "no" and still believe that good things will still happen.

[mamacastleberry]

Kathleen, please know that I am praying earnestly for you. I will check back here often for updates.

[mamacastleberry]

Color me purple and call me SLOW..I just realized what your screenname means. It's a take on the Bible verse you've entitled your journal after. DUH?!? See?? Give me enough time and I can figure almost anything out!!

I'm going to continue keeping you and all of the TTC ladies in my prayers. I pray that God blesses you very soon.

[InnerKnitter]

Hah! I hadn't even thought of it that way. I work at a not-for-profit yarn shop and domestic violence counseling agency and made a joke with the therapists one day that I needed to get in touch with my innerknitter.... ever since then I've really liked the phrase. I didn't intentionally pick it here, but its ironic and quite telling as far as the connection to the Bible verse. Thanks for the insight... you figured it out before I did :-)

[mamacastleberry]

You're quite welcome. Now you have a testimony for a username!

[InnerKnitter]

two blood draws down, one to go. Last one is tomorrow at 9am and then I am done fertility testing!!!!!!! whoohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll schedule a follow up appointment tomorrow, we'll meet with the dr, go over the results (which so far they tell me have been normal for me) and hopefully set things up to do an IUI next cycle.

*fingers crossed though.... on Sunday the 17th I got a positive OPK result and DH and I BD'd that night.... maybe we won't even have to do the IUI. I'd love for them to run a pregnancy test on my pooled progesterone samples. We go for the follow up, doc says, you're pregnant! woohoo... I'll let you know if that happens, i kind of doubt it works like that though.

I'm so relieved that the testing will be finished soon. I have to say though, Seattle Reproductive Medicine has good nurses. Even the new gal got the vein on the first try, she went through it instead of in it, but it didn't hurt and she didn't miss so I'm happy. I have skinny rolly veins that are difficult to draw blood from.

you'll know more once I do....

[pixiechic]

to you!

[InnerKnitter]

geez, the results got back so fast! I got a call today with the results of the pooled progesterone and my MMR titer.

Progesterone was a little low. When we start IUI they'll give me a prescription for supplements. I was hoping not to have to take hormones. I'm worried about the cost and I'm worried about side effects. The pill messed me up a bit mood wise. Anyone know anything about the cost and effects of progesterone supplements? At least its something they can do something about.

the MMR titer came back indeterminate so they want me to get a booster shot. Problem is, you have to avoid pregnancy for a month after the shot to avoid birth defects or miscarriage or something like that. So much for my timeline... the earliest we could try IUI is now mid October- we might be out of town at a wedding then, so then its November *sigh*.

Anyone else dealt with the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) thing?

this is what I get for hoping and for being excited.... more waiting. I was so excited to be done testing and ready to DO something. I had dreams of a perfect timeline that danced before me. November... 2 1/2 more months of waiting, temping, ups, downs, hope, devastation.

on the plus side, we might get two attempts in before we visit family at Christmas. maybe this will be an opportunity to surprise everyone with a wonderful Christmas announcement.

one good thing about living in Seattle.... you get good at finding the silver lining in the clouds.

[InnerKnitter]

The waiting game...

I scheduled my MMR booster, but then the doctor wanted to confirm that I'm not pregnant this cycle, so I canceled it, expecting to reschedule in a few days. Well now its CD 27, 13 dpo, my temps are way up (99.2 this morning) and I've been having weird cramping yesterday and this morning. I usually get a little light menstrual cramping the day before AF arrives. This has been a bit stronger and isn't coinciding with a temperature drop. 2 HPT's have come back negative but I tested at 10 dpo and 11 dpo. I don't know if the tests were accurate or if I tested too early.

I am trying to wait until I'm sure I'll get accurate results. I've picked Monday, Labor Day, as the day to test. It will be CD 29 and 15 dpo. You'll know when I know ;-)

[mamacastleberry]

I'll be praying in earnest and awaiting that update!!