[MelBaby]

I keep counting down the days until AF comes and althought my breasts hurt, I don't think this is our magic month. My hormones seem all out of wack and I keep crying for various reasons. I want to be a mother so badly and sometimes I stop and wonder if it will ever happen. what good am I to my husband if I cannot bear children? I wish I could tell him how much this is tearing me apart but I guess I am trying to act more positive than I feel. We argued about me watching Kaleigh (my friend Jessica's baby) the other day because she was a tad bit sick and we had things to do, so he said she couldn't come. He said if it was ur own kid it would be different but shes not. Inside my head I was just screaming.. I just kept thinking.. "So what if she isn't ours. Did you ever stop to think that me being with her somehow fills this void that Im feeling? That maybe me watching Kaleigh for Jessica will possibly be the closest thing I ever have to being a mother!? What if it never happens for us!?." These are the thing I cannt say. Not because I think he'd think less of me but because I'd feel pathetic.. and I don't want his pity. I want him to keep the faith that I lost so long ago. I just feel empty.. My mom is always perfect for chiming in with the, "Did you make a baby today?" God, I hate that. It makes me want to yell. "No mom! Most likely we didn't! I thought you woud've realized after the last mc that my body is corrupt, it hates me and wants to see me suffer." Welcome to my world people..and at this point i cant help but feel pessimistic. I'm sure most of you will understand..and thanks for letting me rant.


This is what I am hoping for
Then I would be like this --->

hahaha