[MelBaby]

Ok.. I guess I need to start from the beginning. I have been TTC since a miscarriage in May 07'. When I lost that baby, I cannot even begin to explain how empty I felt. I lost it very early.. only a month and a half into it.. but it was just long enough for me to knit together all of my hopes and dreams that I had layed out for that baby. In one instant all of it was dashed. I kept thinking, "Maybe there is hope, the doctor could be wrong." I kept making excuses because I didn't want to believe what she was telling me. The doctor told me that within the next few months to be careful because I could get pregnant quite easily..of course I didn't listen. (I was too eager to fill the empty void that I felt) and yet, nothing happened.....

So here I am a year and some odd months later.. and still.. nothing. I have endured a deployment and the deaths of 3 friends in the last year. Wow its been rough. I got out of the Marine Corps, the end of last year.. and my husband is currently still active duty.. Oh and let me tell you WHAT, the babies and pregnant women are EVERYWHEREEEEEEE! They are coming out of the wood works.. why is it that you see them when you don't want to see them? Ugh


My friends have all been having babies, just popping them out as if it's nothing. Half of them not even intentionally, started out as and "oops." I have become the number one babysitter and I can't figure out whether this makes me feel better or utterly horrible. I love spending time with the kids... and I have sooo much fun. But when they leave, most of the time I sit there and feel sorry for myself.. and ok I'll admit it.. I CRY. I just sit there sobbing, asking myself what is wrong with my body. Stupid ovaries..dang uterus...WORK! Having a child would be the most wonderful moments in my life and I cannot even express the pain I feel when thinking about the possibilities of something beign wrong. My husband gets confused sometimes and just asks me why it hasn't happened and it is just so hard because I don't have the answer to that question. It is one of those things that only God really has the answer to and I am just going to have to leave it in his hands.

I went to Planned Parenthood awhile back and I told the nurse that I was trying to conceive and that I've been having problems getting pregnant. Do you know what she said? "Some people wish they had that problem." and then she LAUGHED. Can u believe that? Here I am sitting there with my eyes filling up with tears about my husbands and my desire to have a child.. and she turns it into a joke.. I didn't know my reproductive issues were funny, I guess we all learn something new at times. UGH. People are gay. Needless to say that was my LAST trip to Planned Parenthood.

I finally got my card and all of my stuff for TriCare. So as soon as I get my letter telling me who my new general doctor is going to be.. I'm going to make an apointment with a Gyn. Sounds like a plan.. oh yaaa. In the mean time I think I'll start taking prenatals again..cotinue to lay horizontal for at least 10 minutes after the baby dance... and chart my cycle... fun fun.

P.S. I quit smoking a little over a month ago.. yay. I am so proud of myself.. and hoping that this helps us a little bit more to conceive.