[September]

I know exactly how you feel because I use to feel that way also...and now look. Seriously though, the 13 months after our pregnancy loss, that it took us to conceive I cried on a nightly basis because it hurt to bad not to have a baby growing in my belly. During that time my sister called to tell me she was unexpectedly pregnant and wanted a miscarriage...that was the ultimate smack in the face to me...that just tore me apart. It got to the point where I was like WHY NOT ME? How horrible of a person am I for God to think that I don't deserve a baby?!? Why did I lose my baby, but there were druggies out there that were able to carry babies to term with no issues?!?! I hurt and I was mad at everyone, including people I had no business being mad at (like obviously pregnant women). Then I found this poem about being a wonderful mother...I post it occasionally, have you read it? That poem really opened my eyes. It gave me a reason, and it gave me hope and strength. As it turns out, the timing of our conception was perfect, and as the poem I read religiously during that time says I am a better mother because of the struggle.

You WILL have a child of your own, don't ever lose hope.

POEM

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded.I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Unknown