[anonymous bean]

this will be long sorry...and may get confusing...

my Dad moved out when I was 7 and we moved to a trailer house not far from my Grandparents...my mom continued her job sortof...she'd be in and out of the hospital constantly for sucidial thoughts and Grandma raised me and my brother for the most part...I 1st met the remainder of my "family" about a year after Dad left...I don't remember much from that 1st meeting except the fact that I hated my new stepmom with a passion...she took my Dad away is how I seen it...I;ve since then become VERY close to my stepmom...infact she was the 1st one to know I was pregnant...other then me and my husband of course...

as time went on and mom kept going in and out of the hospital and whenever she was home she'd be asleep...me and my brother got a Nintendo 64 with 10 games and a PS1 but didn't care...we wanted our mom to feed us and get us clothes and watch us swing outside...we even threw the game systems cuz we got so mad...we'd run for Grandma's house and ask Grandpa to play with us...he was always more then willing to drop everything and play with us...he built us a teepee back by the swing set and a HUGE sand pile and made us shovels that we could play with...Grandma'd make cookies with us and we'd get to help out in the garden...the game systems were left to collect dust...we prefered to be playing outside instead...during all this mom would be in the hospital or asleep...

when I was a senior in high school mom moved out and left me behind in the trailer...which was fine it was what I wanted anyways...to be able to finish high school with my friends and be near Grandma and Grandpa...who were getting older and needed help...this made mom mad...the day my mom moved out I rolled my car...due to having too much on my mind while driving to school...mom came when Grandma called her and told her and told me she'd meet me at the ER...my mom wasn't there her friends were more important...I didn;t see her again for 3 weeks...

as Grandma got sicker and sicker...not being able to get into bed on her own or even to the bathroom I;d help out more and more...I took over cooking...Grandma'd read me the recipes to feel needed and I;d mix the stuff up...when we'd make Jam she'd cut up the stuff and I;d heat it up...then we'd pour it into the cans together...same when Canning and freezing things from the garden/orchard...

mom kept going in and out of the hospital...whenever she;d go in I;d be the one to make the 50mile drive to take her her stuff that she needed...and to come sign her out when she could go home...

when Grandma got too sick to live on the farm we moved into town Mom got mad cuz Grandpa asked me to mive with them and not her...I'd spend nights with Grandma in the nursing home...and days babysitting...inbetween cooking for Grandpa and helping him plant a garden in town...

before Grandma died she said to me that when she died the whole family was going to push me away cuz I choose her and Grandpa over them...my family likes people to bend over backwards to please them and not care what the person gets in return...I told Grandma not to worry about it I;d be alright...Grandma died I left the state met and married and started a life of my own...we've since moved back...and again my brother and mom are trying to use me...and get mad when I don;t give them what they want...

me and my husband are expecting our 1st child and Grandpa's excited over it and sad...he's wishing Grandma were here...so do I...but she;s still in my heart and the many things we're going to use for baby that she made...

I guess my biggest worry over all this is that cuz of the way my mom raised me I;m not going to be a good mother to my child...I;m hoping I;m more like my Grandma and Grandpa then my mom...I know I can be whatever type of mom I want to be...but I;m still worried about it...

I feel so much better now...thanks for listening